Memories Kept
by othertroubles
Summary: Rose is found guilty for having an illegal relationship with her guarding partner and former mentor. The verdict? A visit to Spirit International Cooperation. Along with an uprising brewing from rouge guardians, and the holes in her memories, Rose finds herself caught in between the love she misplaced, and the reality of her harsh world.


_**Hi internet. Please be nice to me. This is for fun and not for critiques.**_

_**-xox devyn**_

_**Disclaimer: Richelle Mead owns her characters and her world. And I own this story and the plot.**_

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_ Let's just get this over with_. I thought numbly, letting the two guardians take me from my cell. I was being dragged from court prison to fulfill the sentence I was given, and too in shock to be afraid. I broke the law. It didn't matter that the law was unfair, inhumane, and immoral. It didn't matter that Vasilisa Dragomir was my charge, my best friend, and held a high rank on the government's council. I thought that would at least protect me.

"For what it's worth Guardian Hathaway, I wish things were different. If only for your sake." One of the men holding my arms told me in a low voice, eyes flashing with a resentment that rivaled the one burning inside of me. So did I. God, did I ever.

I nodded to him, his words were the ones every Guardian said. We were slaves, used to fight and protect the only people who could continue our race. Our Queen had no gratitude for what we did. She proved that in giving us no rights, equality, or freedom. But things had always been that way, I suppose.

We reached the building and went through a side door hidden behind a bush. Shady much? I had passed this place every day with a heavy heart, knowing all the people who went in came out with a part of themselves missing. The inside of the place looked like any other boring office complex; white, sterile, tiled ceilings. I was guided up a flight of stairs and down a long hallway until we stopped in front of an uninteresting wooden door with a plate that read _2D_.

After an abrupt knock the guardian on the left spoke, "Your next client is here." Client? I wasn't a client, I was being forced against my will, but I guess that detail didn't matter to the petite raven haired woman who opened the door, a serene smile gracing her lips.

"Ah, you must be Rose."

"That's Guardian Hathaway, thank you." I said harshly. I inspected every inch of her office. It was small and held a desk, a large filing cabinet, a cot, and a cabinet with medical supplies.

"Right of course, please have a seat so we can go over a few things before we begin."

The guardians at my side let go of my arms and went to stand against the door, one on the inside, the other on the outside. I sat down on the chair in front of her desk while she pulled out a file and began rifling through it.

"My name is Elise. Before I begin the procedure, I like to explain your specific details, and answer any questions you may have. I know you're here because of a court order, so I just want to start off by saying you broke the law. You're being punished. Trying to resist will only make this more painful for both you and I, so your cooperation is vital."

I blinked, this bitch was a piece of work. The initial dazed emotions swirling inside of me were gone. I snorted, "Okay, Ellie, why don't we just dive right in then. Please enlighten me."

Her serene expression hardened as she read over my file, and I assumed it was because of the content she was going to take away. It was a scandal after all, one that didn't happen often, especially to a respectable guardian like me. She looked up and her face softened as she met my eyes. Her spirit abilities made her more in tune with others, and my aura probably showed a hell of a lot more than I would have liked.

"The procedure you are about to go through is intricate and complicated. Memories are like large interconnecting webs. To take one away means unweaving and re-weaving the entire system."

I nodded, the empty feeling inside of me returning.

"And they do want me to take them away completely, but I find that impossible to do. The situation is considerably vast that I would have to implant artificial memories, something I'm not comfortable doing in your case. It's too lengthy and instense…" She trailed off and focused inward, pondering her options. I fidgeted in my seat, wondering where the fight was inside of me.

"A stage five repression." She finally concluded. "This sort of thing is usually done for children who have nightmares or have been through a traumatic experience. It takes away the memories, and sort of, locks them away, so to speak. Repressions are separated into stages based on the severity of the case, as well as how tightly sealed away they need to be from the conscious mind. A stage five is equal to having your memories stored in a safe with a fifty digit passcode."

I felt sick and couldn't help the question that tumbled out of my mouth. "How do you live with yourself? Doing this to people, you're a spirit user for Christ's sake, you could be saving lives, not destroying them." It always bothered me that this place existed, that a building of spirit users dedicated their lives to using super compulsion to manipulate the mind. And that it was legal.

"I don't always ruin lives Guardian Hathaway." She tried pitifully to keep her composure, but I obviously struck a nerve. "Giving people a way to forget, or implanting hope, I find that fulfilling. Everyone deserves their own way to cope, and I'm happy to be an option for them. You have to understand that while a lot of the people here do come against their own will, the same amount come to take away the things that haunt them, like the restored ones. Even so, memories are not the only thing that gets meddled with here. It's a unique and useful resource that should be shared."

I looked at her in a fascinated way. Her speech didn't change my opinion, but it sure gave me a perspective on how much bullshit was brainwashed into her head.

"People should cope and deal with their problems by sorting through them on their own, or talking to someone, or hell, medication; not this, not cheating, not letting someone go into your head and fuck it up. As for letting the government to use it as a form of punishment, don't even get me fucking started." I seethed.

"It…" She trailed off. "It pains me to have to do this. I've never had to deal with someone with your situation before, shocking as that is. And… I.. apologize. This goes against what I feel is right, but I have to follow the law."

"Please go and lay on the cot, I need your hair pulled up. The procedure will take about two hours to complete. There should be absolutely no slipping into Lissa's head during this time. In the beginning, the only thing you will need to do is keep your mind as blank as possible, let the thoughts come and go. Then I will bring your conscious into a sort of stasis, like a dream, but you'll be aware. Afterward, you may experience slight nausea and a headache, but that will subside in the next few days. Any questions?"

"No." I did as I was told. This after all wasn't her fault. I was careless, in love. I desperately retrained my brain away from those thoughts.

She placed a high stool behind where my head was positioned. I could hear her deep controlled breathing, and tried to match mine with hers. When I felt her cool fingers touch my temples I flinched and almost sat up. I couldn't do this. _I didn't want to forget. _

"Please." I whispered my final plea. Her fingers on my temples stilled.

"Come now Guardian Hathaway, this is what was agreed on." She touched the tears I didn't realize had escaped down my cheeks. "It's what has to be done," I heard her murmur in a soothing voice. A dread so deep and sharp spread through me as I felt the tug of her invasion into my mind.

At first I didn't feel anything except her initial intrusion; I just watched the colors dance behind my eyes. I knew she was in there, maybe locating whatever she needed, but it wasn't painful like I thought it would be. After a while, I heard the sounds of talking people and rustling paper. I opened my eyes to a classroom back at the Academy.

_ I looked at my hands wide eyed. I was in a spirit dream; A spirit dream with no spirit user present. Why this place out of all the places I had been around the world, would my conscious take me? I looked around and saw my graduating class, William, Meredith, and a few others sat in desks reading and taking notes. Some I hadn't seen in the two years since graduation day, others I greeted daily at court. And some, like Nathan Colton, were already dead. He was seated in the front left corner smiling at Ms. Master's rant._

"… _And so it is vital that you work hard and stay focused. Many of you will find yourselves questioning everything about our society and your purpose in it. But you must always remember: you were born for only one purpose, to protect and keep Moroi safe. They come before anything else." Ms. Master's was going on her usual tangent. She one hundred percent loved her government and her job, and shared her love daily with us. This was probably where I became so prideful in my guardian status, and where I also became so resentful._

_ I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned to see Eddie. "You okay?" He asked. "You were zoned out for a while." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Was it Lissa?"_

_ I'm sure he thought I was nuts, but I stared at him wide eyed for several seconds. I forgot about this Eddie, the young easy going one. Two years really had aged us. Now, he was Adrian Ivashkov's guardian, all seriousness and duty driven._

"_Yeah.. I'm fine, she's fine, just lost in thought."_

_ I tried to make the scene change, but to no avail. I didn't want to be back here, too many good memories, too many tragic ones as well, and I didn't want to see- _

_ Speak of the devil, I let out strangled sound as my eyes fell on the man standing against the far wall. Of course. Of course, my mind would conjure him here. Was this even allowed? I now had the attention of everyone in the room including him, and he met my panicked eyes with his soft brown ones, a questioning look replacing his guardian mask. _

"_No." I choked out looking away from him and getting out of my seat. To get to the nearest exit I would have to run by him, and I didn't want to be that close, close enough to smell his aftershave and have him grab me._

"_Rose, what do you think you're doing?" Ms. Master's glared at me with her no nonsense look._

"_I need to use the.. er.. I need to use the bathroom."_

"_Class is just about to be dismissed, you can wait a few minutes. Sit down."_

_ I sat back down looking at the textbook, and began to shake uncontrollably. I shouldn't have made a scene. Now he's going to come after me. Eddie put his hand on my shoulder again, and I whipped around whispered to him._

"_When class is dismissed. I need to you run with me. I'll explain everything when we get away. Please Eddie." The desperate trembling in my voice was what broke him. He nodded uncertainly. Funny. In the present he never questioned my crazy plans._

_ As soon as the bell rang I shot out of my seat and grabbed Eddie's hand, dragging him into the middle of the mass of kids going through the door. I kept my head down and shuffled with everyone._

"_Rose." His Russian accent carried to my ears and I pushed through everyone and out the door yanking Eddie through as well. "Rose!"_

_ I full on began to sprint and Eddie stumbled before keeping pace with me. "Guardian Belikov is calling for yo—"_

"_Yeah I know, that's why we need to pick it up. Right now."_

_ I felt immensely lucky that we were in the busiest hallway in the school. Students were scrambling to get to their next class and we blended easily with them. I maneuvered around like a pro, still remembering all the different hallways and exits, and pushed through the door to the west side of campus, near the chapel. _

"_Come on, we're going to the church."_

_ I stole myself a glance behind us and didn't see Dimitri. Good._

"_Can you.. please.. tell me why.. we ran away.. to this.. stuffy attic." Eddie huffed, breathing heavy when we reached our destination. I sat on the window seat and looked out the stained glass._

"_What day is it?" I asked blankly._

"_Er.. Tuesday." He said confusedly. I glared at him._

"_Tuesday as in what?"_

"_Tuesday as in… it's the first day back to class since the attacks."_

_ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath._

"_This is all a dream." I stated._

_ Now he looked up at me as if I were crazy. "What?"_

"_No listen. Just hear me out." I turned to him. "I'm in a spirit dream right now. I was put here. I'm at SIC and—"_

"_What… SIC?! Shit Rose, what the hell is going on."_

_ I continued, "They're taking away my memories of Dimitri, they found out, and they're ripping him away from me, and I don't want to see him. It hurts, It hurts so much Ed."_

"_So… So.." He was at a loss of words, he looked down at himself wild-eyed. _

"_Don't worry, you're really at court. You guard Adrian Ivashkov and date Mia Rinalldi. You have such fulfilling career." I don't know why I was telling him this. He was, after all a projection made from my sub-conscious. The look on his face though was real, and contorted trying to make sense of what he was hearing. These dreams were so realistic, it made my heart ache._

"_Mia?! And.. you and Belikov? Hell Rose, I need.. To go.. Right now. Come find me when you get your head screwed on right."_

_ He walked over to the door and yanked it open running straight into Dimitri. _

"_Eddie please don't leave." I begged, but he was already gone. _

_ I turned away, as I heard the door shut and footsteps approach me._

"_Want to tell me what all this is all about." Too close, he was too close and all I could do is breathe deeply and sigh at the familiarity. I had to keep reminding myself that this dream was taking place two years ago. When we were a safely kept secret. _

"_Go away." I didn't trust my voice to go above a whisper._

"_Roza..Whatever it is I-"_

"_Don't call me that!" I whipped my head around to find his face inches away from mine. I flinched back, but he cupped my face in his hands. Tears pricked my eyes._

"_You're not real." I breathed. We stared at each other for several heavy moments._ _He kept his hair longer during these days, and wore a brown duster instead of the new black one I bought for him last Christmas. His face held so much emotion, so much love and understanding. Maybe he thought I was taking away spirit's insanity from Lissa because he didn't react the same way as Eddie. _

"_I want to wake up now." I yelled, making him flinch. "Elise, get me out of here. GET ME OUT OF HERE."I shoved Dimitri away, and began yanking things off of shelves, throwing boxes, kicking, breaking everything in sight._

_ Dimitri of course, grabbed me and held my wrists behind my back. "Don't you want to say goodbye?"_

_ I froze. His voice sounded layered with Elise's. So she was hearing my plea. _

"_NO GET ME AWAY FROM HIM." _

_ If someone had asked me two months ago, when he was taken away and I was taken to prison, if I wanted to say goodbye, I would've walked on hot coals. Just to see him. One last time. But over the time without him, I had built walls so thick and guarded, they were my only way of coping with the heartbreak. Seeing him now, during the time when we first fell for each other, it was like burning my walls and sticking a knife into my heart. I didn't want this illusion. I wanted him. I wanted what was real._

_ The scene before me swayed and Dimitri let me go, backing away. I drank him in one last time. The three words I wanted to say were stuck to the inside of my throat. This wasn't him. But it felt like it was. I didn't have time to speak anyway, because the scene faded. Sweet black waters dragged me under, to a dreamless fitful sleep._

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_**This chapter was twice as long but I figured, eh, I'll split it in half and make you all wait to see what happens when she wakes up. Many apologies for the typos, it's very late, and I'm very tired. I really appreciate each of you reading this and hope you all have a lovely day and week. Many kisses from me!**_

_**Song: Puritans / Window Speak**_

_**Be my friend! I love the VA fandom immensely. I will follow you back ((if you tell me you came from here)) and I'll want to be your bff omg. Seriously. I'll probably pass out.**_

_**Tumblr: othertroubles**_

_**Twitter: electrahart**_

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